This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Still dying that you shit outside
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
