I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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