non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
