my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
