Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
