After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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