shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
