I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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