My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
