Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
