You smell like a Billy Joel song
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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