hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
