At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
