i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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