Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
