So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
