My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
nutella sex= disaster
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
