Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
