Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
