I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Holy shit dude........stairs
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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