genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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