YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
