tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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