I drank myself into bisexuality again.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
