If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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