Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Two words: blizzard sex
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
