I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
