I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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