don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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