every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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