i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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