I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
