The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
