She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
