There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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