hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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