I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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