shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
