My liver just broke up with me...
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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