The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
