why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
