just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
