I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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