I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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