someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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