this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
