The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I just forgot I was standing up.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
