i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
