the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
