I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
