It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
