yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
